Yes! I got you to click this! That’s exciting. This means either we’re currently friends or we should be. I’m Max, by the way. What’s your number? Too forward? Sorry. DM me. Anyway, there will be actual content that follows this useless paragraph.
So there’s a story here. I’m a big weirdo. Growing up as a big weirdo I have found myself naturally admiring famous weirdos. Watching their films, reading their books, putting everything they’ve ever directed on hold at the library (Much to the chagrin of my local librarian.).
It’s 2007. 15-year-old Max walks into his local library. He’s probably wearing a blue hoodie that doesn’t fit, cargo shorts, and multi-colored converse (as I said, It’s 2007 and I’m me.). So, he walks up to the counter and addresses the unassuming librarian who works there.
“Hi.” The librarian replied, quite unassumingly.
“So I was wondering. Are there quantity limits for what you can put on hold?”
There is a pregnant pause as the librarian absorbs the question. “...What do you mean?”
“Like, say I want to put every Christopher Walken movie on hold but said Christopher Walken movies are scattered across the US?”
“You are allowed to do that.”
“But like, shipping costs money right?”
“Yes it does…”
“But it doesn’t cost ME money though?”
“No. I mean kind of. Eventually you will pay taxes and a portion of what you pay will fund public library services.”
“Yeah, but currently I have no job so now is my chance to take advantage of this system without consequence.”
“...That’s one way of looking at it, yeah.”
“Like even when I get a job, how long would it take for me to make up for the shipping cost of this ‘Uniting of the Walkens™’ as I’m now choosing to call it.”
“...A very long time.”
“Great! I’m going to go do that then!”
And so Max’s quest had been defined. He left the counter and the librarian returned to her duties, quietly praying that ‘The Great Walken Shipment Of 2007™’ would not arrive during her shift.
Max then excitedly sat down at one of the library computers, logged in and pulled up IMDb (Internet Movie Database). Simultaneously he also pulled up Madison Public Library’s website and began looking up every Christopher Walken movie he could find. He then began smashing the “Put On Hold” button like a deranged toddler playing whack-a-mole. He had no regard for where these films were coming from or how far they’d have to travel.
‘True Romance’ was on its way from Florida.
‘Pulp Fiction’ from Oregon.
‘Kiss Toledo Goodbye’ would unfortunately not be coming from Toledo.
This madness went on until most of Mr. Walken’s catalog to date was on its way to Madison, WI. 2007 Max grinned a horrible grin, logged out and left. Little did he know, more would be gleaned from ‘The Uniting Of The Walkens™’ than anyone could have ever imagined.
End of flashback.
Now I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking “could that dramatic setup be the stage upon which the title of this article is built?”
Dear reader, to that I say “darn, tootin’!”.
And now what you’ve all been waiting for! The three pieces of evidence I have to support my hypothesis. Without further ado, the list that legitimizes this listicle…
Number 1. ‘Kangaroo Jack’ Mouse Line.
Those who know me will not find this surprising but I have a special place in my heart for animal movies made from the late 90s to early 2000s. ‘Dunston Checks In’, ‘Kangaroo Jack’ and ‘Larger Than Life’ make the list. It delights me to no end that producers of the time thought to themselves…
“So I know they say don’t work with animals or kids but if we did both does it like… just roll over to being fine? Also we have CGI now right? Don’t you have a button that just says ‘throw an animal in there’”
And they must have realized they were tough to produce because I don’t see nearly as many of them and they just don’t have that 90s charm. Anyway, back to Walken’s rodent obsession.
The following clip from ‘Kangaroo Jack’ sees Walken, as a mob boss (naturally) telling his son “A lion can raise a mouse but a mouse is still a mouse.”. It may seem innocuous to the uninitiated but this is merely the first bit of evidence in a triade and I assure you that by the end of this article you will come to the same conclusion as I… That Christopher Walken is a mouse obsessed lunatic.
Youtube Link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZL0qQz2hFI
Number 2. Catch Me If You Can Mouse Illustration.
Unlike the movie featured in my first clip, ‘Catch Me If You Can’ is actually a great movie. Tom Hanks and Leonardo Decaprio do a great job taking the cat and MOUSE genre to new heights. See what I did there? Ha. Ha. Ha. Speilberg, what an unsung talent. Yada, Yada. Movies. This concludes my intensely humorous review.
So this time Christopher Walken’s love of rodents is on full display. Watch below as his character, Frank Abagnale regales us with the tale of two (INSERT T WORD FOR MICE HERE TO COMPLETE ALLITERATION.).
Youtube link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9Kjg5Fn3bA
Number 3. Walken Goes Full Mouse Maniac In ‘Mouse Hunt’
Ok so I can sense a little hesitation from you at this point. You’re kinda on the fence with this whole Christopher Walken mouse thing. Well if you haven’t been convinced by the above clips accompanied by my thrilling commentary… Allow me to show you…THIS!
Youtube link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX6rLOQxbsI
Wow, right? You’ve returned to this page completely convinced. Man. We should form like, a club or something. What should we be called? The Mouse Walkeners? Malkeners? Hmmm nope. Weirded myself out with that one. I could just go back and delete the term Malkeners from existence but that’s too easy. I have to live with that now. And so do you.
Alright on to my acknowledgements. I’d like to thank the Madison Public Library, without which I would not have made this life changing discovery. I’d also like to apologize to the Madison Public Library and the employees who were around during the summers that I spent being film obsessed.
On a serious note, public libraries really are amazing and I would not be where I am today without the resources provided by them. 2007 Max would not have consumed nearly as much content without such an important public service in place.
In closing, I’d like to say that the search and collection of Christopher Walken Mouse Moments™ is still in progress. If you can think of one or find one of note, leave it in the comments and we’ll add it to this article. My hope is that it serves as a beacon for Malkeners everywhere. May the mouse hunt begin.